I Don't Care About The Male Loneliness Epidemic

Men don't suffer in silence; they suffer in violence

Cycles by Xavier Serrano

Why should the burden of men feeling depressed and lonely fall on the shoulders of women when we already have enough shit to carry? Maybe they could try smiling more.

Historically, men have often regarded women as expendable, even within the context of platonic relationships, because their pursuit of companionship was frequently a veiled desire for sexual access, rather than a genuine emotional connection. God forbid the bros found out you have emotions after all. Now, as conversations about the so-called “male loneliness epidemic” circulate, women are being guilted into feeling responsible for their isolation. Let’s be clear: this isn’t a crisis of women withholding sex or affection. It’s the result of men failing to cultivate meaningful, respectful relationships beyond transactional roles and a lack of entitlement finally catching up to them. Their loneliness is not our burden to carry.

The idea of this “epidemic” is a result of the tools men have created themselves. There is a constant claim that the world is not a safe space for men to express their feelings, but who set that up? bell hooks writes, “patriarchy is ‘the single most life-threatening social disease assaulting the male body and spirit.’ From childhood, boys are taught to sever themselves from emotional expression in order to conform to an ideal of masculinity rooted in control, dominance, and emotional stoicism.” As long as men see power in violence and control over women, it won’t even register to them how the patriarchy is harming them, too.

Expecting women to fix what the patriarchy broke is not just unfair, it is borderline abusive. Just as women’s rights are being stripped away, men came back with “your body, my choice.” You honestly think I’m going to give a damn about my only predatory enemy? It’s not a woman’s job to be a rehab center for poorly raised men. I’m not Bob the Builder. I can’t fix you.

However, unlike most women, men are lonely because they are unwilling to do the work. When everything has been handed to them, I shouldn’t be surprised when most are too lazy to get up off of their asses to actually connect with another human being. Men will have you believe they are born without the trait, a trait women have mastered over the years, of building a community. Newsflash: women had to build a tight-knit community to survive. In order to alert the others of men who would potentially harm them, to take care of each other’s families, to make it in this damn world.

To quote Will Horton’s TikTok, read a book. Not The 48 Laws of Power or The Art of War. Put down the self-help books (because they clearly aren’t helping) and pick up an actual fiction book. Preferably one with a female protagonist. Read The Handmaid’s Tale, but don’t aspire to be a Commander. Learn what it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes. Learn empathy for crying out loud. You are never going to make any genuine friends when you are so obsessed with yourself and take zero interest in others. Men have become so preoccupied with being “the alpha male” and winning over male approval that I’m convinced they don’t just not like women, but they’re gay.

This fixation on other males’ approval doesn’t do any good to connect them with one another. Not only does it isolate men from women, but it also traps them in a cycle of toxic competitiveness and emotional repression. They’re locked into a constant battle to be better than other men, not making homies. Meanwhile, when a woman offers a man friendship, it’s quickly labeled as being “friend-zoned” because it all circles back to men only viewing connections with women as transactional. This drives men to prioritize appearing tough and emotionally unavailable to their male peers, which only reinforces the cycle of toxic competitiveness that alienates them from women and their own emotional needs.

However, if the opinion of their fellow male peers is so important to men, then why do they refuse to talk to their bros about this? I’ve known men who have had other male friends going through some serious life-changing stuff, and they don’t try to question or pry for more information. “Well, if he wanted to tell me more, he would,” is usually what they say. Yet, they know damn well that they wouldn’t open up unless prompted to if the roles were reversed. The call is coming from inside the house!

The irony of it all? A lot of the emotional support men want from women (shared interests, safe space, relaxing environment), they could absolutely find in their male friends if they made the effort, but they won’t. Doing so would require vulnerability without the promise of something in return. It would require showing up without the payoff they’re used to expecting from women. It’s not a loneliness epidemic. It’s a lack of empathy epidemic.

As stated in the subtitle, the only emotion men are capable of accessing 99% of the time seems to be anger and violence. This will never be the language women will respond to. While it may garner respect from your bros, it will definitely garner a restraining order from a woman. Women aren’t emotional punching bags. Furthermore, even if you have female friends, a romantic partner, or close male friends, it is unfair to unload all of your emotional trauma onto them. Not all women are trained therapists. Yes, open up to your friends and your partners. Those people should be a safe place for you to always express your emotions (once you can access them), but to expect them to fix your issues or never offer the same space back is selfish. If that’s what you want, then you can pay someone $200 an hour in therapy for that.

It’s not that women are genetically better at vulnerability. It’s simply because society has demanded it from us whilst punishing men for the same. Women are expected to be the emotional caretakers, and frankly, we’re fucking exhausted. When men think they’ve unmasked their true vulnerability, women treat them like they’re a king, and the men exploit it to the point of the vulnerability being a ruse. They think if they can fake this vulnerability with a woman, she will think he is different from all the other guys, and this will be his quickest way into her sheets. It’s exhausting to keep giving emotional labor to people who see it as a game to win rather than genuine growth.

Meanwhile, when women show emotions and vulnerability, it’s often weaponized against us. We’re told we are “overreacting,” “dramatic,” or “she must be on her period.” But men? They get praised for the smallest glimpse of openness, even if it’s performative. This double standard is a big part of why men remain stuck and lonely. They know they can fake vulnerability when it benefits them and hide behind toxic masculinity when it doesn’t.

And here’s the kicker: men’s obsession with control doesn’t stop at sex or emotions. They expect women to accommodate to their feelings, but they aren’t willing to do the same for them. They want to be seen as sensitive, but simultaneously reject any responsibility for emotional upkeep. It is basic power play disguised as vulnerability.

If men really want to end their “loneliness epidemic,” the work starts with them. It’s up to them to start taking responsibility for their emotional growth. It means being willing to sit with discomfort, to listen without defensiveness, and to value a woman’s emotional labor. Not as a perk, but as a partnership. As equals. Then again, if you think it’s the world’s fault that you are chronically unfucked, maybe Darwin is trying to tell you something.

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